It’s hard to believe that it’s been three years today since I underwent a life-changing brain surgery to remove a fourth ventricle tumor from my cerebellum and my brain stem.

A lot has happened in the last three years and a lost has changed, including myself. I’ve had a lot of therapy, both mental and physical, to get me to a point of semi-acceptance of the challenges I have been through. While my situation was not the worst case scenario, I am still alive and able to live an independent life, I’ve learned that the experience I had was still traumatizing, still difficult, and not something that most normal twenty-something’s would have to go through, and have come to accept that instead of dismiss it.

I do still have moments when i’m alone where I think about what the last three years have been like and i often ask why I was the person chosen to go through this experience. A lot about myself, both physically and mentally has changed, which has taken an emotional toll on me and I’ve had to learn to adapt to permanent changes in how my body functions or reacts to things, and adapt to how I even do many simple tasks on a day-to-day basis. But, I can say this, the experience I went through has given me great perspective and appreciation for my life and the life I want to live and i’m grateful that I survived something no one ever imagines having to go through.

Reflecting on this day Three years ago, i remember all the events leading up to it, but most especially the week prior to surgery. sitting in the waiting room at Massachusetts general hospital’s Cancer Center, where We were getting a second opinion on my brain tumor, I looked around at the other people in that room and couldn’t really fathom to think that this facility, that word cancer slapped across the wall, was my new reality. We walked into the exam room and met with the then nurse practitioner, Emily, to go over the tumor, what I already knew, and what my current symptoms were. Then we met with the neurosurgeon who was willing to take on my case, dr. brian nahed. he was very thorough, very kind, and very honest about my situation. the tumor was in a rare location, it was in a difficult location, and based on the mri imaging he had, it was uncertain if it was attached to my brain stem (spoiler alert: it was). he set us up with a preoperative appointment for a week later and after asking dozens of questions, which he graciously and patiently answered, we headed home.

fast forward to that preoperative appointment a week later, the reality was slowly sinking in. he stressed the urgency of needing to remove this tumor sooner than later, and after a day of thinking about it - because i was already committed to working my horse shows at the fryeburg fair - we called and confirmed the surgical date of that following monday, and booked a few preoperative tests. October 1st came fast, I did not sleep the night before, and the preoperative routine was extensive. iv lines and monitors were being hooked to me, neurons glued to my skull. i met with every lead doctor on my surgical case, and multiple residents to go over every detail of this surgery. the last thing i remember from that morning, and really from much of that period in time, was being wheeled into the o.r., and just before they put me under i had a small breakdown, and really the first breakdown since being diagnosed. the reality was finally hitting me of what it was that i was about to go through and that my life could forever, and did forever, change after this.

while no one on my medical team could have ever imagined the journey i would end up taking after that first surgery, without that team, i wouldn’t even be here. with every milestone there seemed to be another twist in the road ahead that we couldn’t see. my brain and my body threw so many curveballs at dr. nahed, emily and courtney my nurse practitioner’s, and dr. wang, my neuro-oncologist, that i am sure their heads were spinning. however, with every unexpected twist in the road, they were there to guide me through it and get me referred to the specialists i needed to make a full recovery. so, after three years, five brain surgeries, and one strabismus surgery with dr. cestari at mass eye and ear, i’m glad i can say that i am on the other side of this. this last year, despite the pandemic, was actually one of my best years with regards to my recovery and we’ve been stable long enough to move from six-month evaluations to once a year evaluations. I will be forever grateful for the skill, talent, and kindness of dr. nahed and his team of residents, nurse practitioner’s emily and courtney, and dr. wang.

i have no way to predict the future or know what year four will bring me, however i am just happy to be in a medically stable place right now, and feeling as close to normal me as possible. i’m excited to see what things i’ll get to accomplish in the coming year, and while i am always mentally prepared to face another setback, it’s a little less scary knowing i have my large support system of family and friends surrounding me, and my amazing team at massachusetts general hospital.